OUT OF THE WILD – EPISODE 1
A tiger a bear and a baboon all went to the mall. They donned touristy type attire to try to blend in better.
“Ha, ha!” Burst out the tiger, “Greeneldo”
“That teenage girl really wants it from the back side. It’s quite obvious from her tight jeans and the shiny glass pieces she has pasted all over her buttocks-Ha, ha-not even us tigers make it that obvious!”
Hossina the baboon looked up from licking her chocolate ice cream cone. “Oh, don’t be silly Geeneldo. It’s just the style. All humans in all industrialized parts of the world that are under sixty wear that get up. And for Pete’s sakes-it’s not merely shiny glass, they’re rhinestones or cubic zirconias.”
“Say what you will Hossina” laughed Rucker, the big black bear, “but I’m forced to concur with Greeneldo. Ha, if it wasn’t going to prove to be a murderous affair leading to my inevitable capture and shooting, I would hit that myself!”
“Oh really, you two are impossible” chided Hossina, finishing off her ice cream cone.
“Yazoo!” cried Greeneldo. “Let’s get the hell out of here before I initiate sexual relations and mating and get shot myself. That one is irresistible”.
A beautiful woman sashayed by, wearing a short skirt and stilettos.
“And that is easy access” quipped Rucker. “Yeah let’s get the heck out. I ain’t getting shot and killed just because I’m trying to fulfill my natural desires and keep my species populated.”
Just a short while later, inside the very fancy Bella La Behemoth, a fine French restaurant, the three beasts sat low in their seats sipping on cocktails. They were trying to be incognito. The waiter set down a tray of oysters and shell fish then backed away fast as the three animals went ballistic over the appetizers having them reduced down to stray bits and pieces with both the metal serving bins dented to unrecognizable form. A female patron even screamed due to the ruckus.
“What would you like as the main entrée?” shouted the server from several feet away.
Greeneldo picked up the giant margarita glass to cover his face, as the commotion had attracted attention from diners nearby.
“Mind your own beeswax you, snoops! We can eat our food any way we want!” Geeneldo criticized the nosy diners-who quickly did as they were told.
“And get as drunk as we want!” chimed Rucker, who as the furriest and largest of the three did not even attempt to hide himself behind his margarita glass.
“We will take one each of everything you have on the menu!” chanted Hossina.
“Make that two!” boomed Greeneldo.
“Two each of everything!” roared Rucker. “This sugary alcoholic sex inducing substance is making me hungry and horny!”
A couple female patrons gasped. The waiter dashed toward the kitchen, but in his haste fell over a table ruining their freshly served gourmet meals. Instantaneously a fight broke out. But with one sharp growl from Greenaldo, the fight was diffused straight away.
“Oh, the shit was just getting good around here” complained Rucker. “You are such a lame ass Greenaldo. Three more giant margaritas, now!”
Rucker pounded the table and plates broke with the force. The manager snapped his fingers sending a server to the bar. The manager had become quite well aware that the animals were loaded with money. No doubt the last tourist the bear had eaten must’ve had a fat wallet on his/her person. Since their arrival, the three had been frivolously throwing bills everywhere, even to customers nearby.
Rucker the bear threw a wad of bills at a beautiful cocktail server who had walked by expressing delight and adoration over how “adorable he was”.
“Oh will you look at that”, said Hossina sweetly, “That couple seems to have been made for each other, how sweet.”
Several feet away at a booth for two sat a young and very enamored couple. The man, a brunette seemed quite flushed and had his napkin over his lap. The woman had light brown hair and a beautiful black dress on displaying quite the rack of cleavage.
Laughter commenced from both Greeneldo and Rucker and then Greeneldo shook a paw at Hossina.
“Hossina, you can be so naïve. I think this comes from the territory of being a female.”
“You beast!” she cried downing the remainder of her margarita and hungrily accepting the new one placed in front of her, while the other beasts grabbed for their new ones as well. Rucker threw fifty bills of various sorts at the waiter, who clumsily grabbed for them. He was sweating profusely-in fear and excitement.
“Of course they were made for each other. Ha, ha, they don’t call it “Animal Planet” for nothing” laughed Greeneldo exuberantly drunk as toast.
“You got the yin and the yang-
“The plug and the outlet” interrupted Rucker, eyeing the hot waitress’s rear end as she walked by with a tray.
“The yin and the yang and we were all made for each other” resumed Greeneldo. “I mean some of us animals not withstanding. Look at that, you got a penis hidden by a napkin because the poor schmuck is actually afraid and ashamed of his erection!”
This came a little too loudly and the aroused man blushed profusely.
“This poor guy may be afraid of his pulsating erection, whereas you’ll never find this behavior in the true animal kingdom” he tried to say tongue in cheek, “But the girl, the woman, whatever they refer to as the female species, is proudly displaying her vagina with that short easy to access black dress.”
Everything went dead quiet for a moment and then the couple started fighting with the woman in tears of humiliation. She got up and turned toward the beasts.
“Thank you. You ought to try it some time. It’s absolutely great, absolutely great I tell you,” roared Rucker, now loudly pounding his paw against the wall as his indication for another round, of margaritas.
“Hey!” raged Greeneldo to the vanishing woman. “Maybe that little fly was embarrassed about his boner, but I would always-always proudly display it for you!”
“You filthy animals!” the woman cried, as she disappeared around the corner, date right on her heels.
“You said it well sister!” yelled Greeneldo. “Hey, what’s your number? Maybe I can get you online? Maybe if I got you on a social network or something, we could be real sociable if you know what I mean.”
A short while later, the animals, satiated and drunk as ever, sat in the front row of a senseless action/adventure film, making a huge mess out of several tubs of overly buttered popcorn.
On screen, superheroes flew around performing all sorts of amazing feats.
“What the hell is this?” roared Rucker. “Makes me not wanna believe any of it. Nothing is special anymore, because all these crazy stunts in these stupid movies are so easy-when we damn well know-that ninety-nine point ninety-nine percent of all humans that would actually be stupid enough to try any of these stunts would die miserably painful deaths as a result.”
“Don’t try this at home folks.” Slurred Greeneldo and then he vomited viciously onto the floor.
“That’s disgusting! You guys are drunk. Get the hell out of here!” yelled a man from mid section somewhere.
Rucker roared at the top of his lungs, prompting many movie goers to leave, as shouts and screams filled the air.
“Oh look” said Greeneldo just recovering himself. “People are fleeing. Did you scare everyone off you crazy bear you?”
“No”, said Hossina, between bites of her popcorn. “I think the movie did. It’s certainly terrible. Perhaps we should protest it.”
“Look!” cried Rucker. “Those two mutts have, beat us to it!”
“Hey” cried Hossina, “Aren’t those the two mutts that rate the movies?”
“Yeah!” bellowed Greeneldo. “And if it’s a real bomb, like this one, Pooper-hence the name-takes a big dump-to commiserate”
Surely enough at the bottom right hand corner of the super sized screen displayed to medium sized mutts. One of them “Horatio” shook his head and held his nose, as “Pooper” did his business. And it was quite the impressive steaming pile for such a small dog-or so small compared to the three drunken and gluttonous beasts, Rucker, Greeneldo and Hossina.
“Good job Pooper! This movie is a stink pile of heaping’ shit, good job!” yelled Rucker.